Hot Potato

Back when my hopes of being taller than 5'5 were great and girls were still around my size and not as aggressive, my dream was to play for the Duke Blue Devils' Basketball team. I decided to rule out the facts that I was as timid as they get and was afraid of hurting myself, even at the prime age of14. I also hate conflict. But I figured, hey, I can grow out of that. It's fine. I'm only 14.

Now I'm 5'3. 19 (almost 20). I still hate conflict and aggression. I'm not as timid, but I'll avoid confrontation at all costs. Also, people kind of intimidate me. I was always slightly bitter that I was never tall or aggressive enough to continue playing basketball and ultimately play at such an advanced level (at least high school).

Why is this relevant?
Glad you asked because this post is not meant for me to give you some random tidbits about my life.

Yesterday, I went to a women's basketball game at my University with my group of friends. I sat there remembering these weird facts about my life as these athletic girls played right in front of my eyes.
They were incredibly strong, could literally hurdle over me and not break a sweat. The could lap me dozens of times and then ask for another round. Like wow.

So that was my first give away that I was never cut out to be a college basketball player.

Number two, came to me when I was lost in thought as I watched them pass the ball from player to player, moving the defense and the ball around, waiting for an open play. It reminded me of hot potato.

I hated hot potato as a child. Hated it.

We would sit in our kindergarten circle, passing a semi-circular object around to radio music or, if my teacher was extra motivated, a CD that helped us learn something. (It was kindergarten and my memory of this age isn't exactly reliable.) And when that music stopped on someone else, I was relieved. I hated (still do) the spotlight. I don't like attention directed towards me. And then when that dreaded moment came, and the music stopped on me, my blood boiled, my palms got sweaty and these teeny tiny little knots formed in the pit of my stomach as all eyes turned to me and I had to stand up and sit out of the circle. It was like an exile.

My problem was: I never wanted all eyes to focus on me and I wanted to win. I always want to win. I have this intrinsic need to always be the winner. It's irrational because I hate attention and you can't ALWAYS win at every little thing that you try.

So now, almost 6 years later, I have realized that God was watching out for me. I could have never succeeded at basketball on such a competitive and advanced level.  And because of my intrinsic need to win or be really really good at whatever I do, I would've have a meltdown— because I would have been terrible at basketball compared to those girls I saw yesterday.

So Thank You God for looking out for me in the long run. It's amazing how everything that happens has a reason and purpose behind it.

SOP:
Bennie and the Jets by Elton John

Macy Out.

Happier Than a Pigeon with a French Fry

Remember when I wrote three posts just about Harry Potter and how bad I wanted to visit? (So bad that I even compared it to my Forks/Twilight obsession?)
Well, fret not fellow Harry Potter Nerds, because I will not be ranting about how I would sell my left kidney on the black market to visit the magical place of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (further identified as WWHP) at the Universal Parks.

BECAUSE THIS PAST DECEMBER MY PESTERING WORKED AND I MADE IT TO HARRY POTTER WORLD! 

And let me just begin by saying that it was probably the best day of my life. The whole three days that we explored WWHP, I had this ridiculous smile on my face and probably stopped talking aloud (my head was loud enough with my inner monologue) as I just soaked in the sights around me and the fact that I had finally made it. I decided I'd post a pic of me because I look happier than a pigeon with a French fry in literally every. single. picture. that I took.

             (see? I can't even keep a smile off of my face as I take my first sip of butterbeer ever.)

My mother wouldn't let me wear the Gryffindor dress robe so I could fit in with all the other wizards at Hogwarts and just head to class after my discovery of the magic in WWHP. It was probably best because I would've been the butt of every joke of every member of my extended family who clearly do not understand the magic of Harry Potter or my unadulterated obsession with it.

The butterbeer is incredible. The buildings are astounding and lifelike. The stores and props are... wow adjectives cannot begin to describe. They even played the instrumental music from the movies in both of the Harry Potter sections and there I am telling my sister which part of the certain movie that this certain song plays in the background. I forced my mom to take pictures of me in front of basically every landmark on the two parks. Sometimes my sister was pushed into the shot because my mom felt I was taking too many pictures of myself.

I tried so badly to convince my parents to buy me a wand— like the legit ones where the wand picks you at Olivander's and your hair shoots in different directions and there's a white light surrounding you and then the HP theme song starts playing in the background and then Olivander proceeds to tell you that the sister wand to yours is that of He-Who-Must-Not-be-Named (I may have just described Harry's experience in The Sorcerer's Stone, but mine would have been exactly like that, I'm sure of it.)— but Mom said that I was a little old to be carrying around a "wooden stick that has zero magical capabilities." I conceded because I'd gotten her to take the family to Florida just to quiet my verbal obsession with HP.

So peace out HP Nerds and my hope for you in the New Year, is that you get to experience WWHP and enjoy it as much as I did!

SOP: O Children- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
[Do you know where that song is from?]

Self-Proclaimed People Pleaser

I am a self-proclaimed people pleaser.

I have this need to get things perfect all the time. The perfect reaction, the perfect transcript, the perfect image, the perfect thoughts that shape the perfect character. It's a control complex I have: I need to be in control in every way I can to feel secure and assured. 

It has nothing to do with my parents or their expectations for me— they have always only wanted my happiness.  

I don't know why I have this desire to keep up the steady, constant image for everyone else to overlook. But the idea of losing that control freaks me out. 

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm." 

I read this quote on tumblr at least five times in the past two days and it's stuck to me like super glue and gorilla glue mated together (that might be incest in a consumer view— but what I'm picturing is a really cool gorilla shaped glue tube wearing a mask and a cape as he seals up any loose ends). I'm sorry to the creator of this genius combination of words that is now attached to my brain; I couldn't find the original poster and the quote lacked any accreditation. Props to whoever put this together to create such pearls of wisdom.

Anywho, this is my quote for 2015. I felt that last year, I spent half of my mental capacity on worrying what other people thought of me and how to improve friendships that, in retrospect, were slowly losing fuel to spark its embers and ignite into a beneficial friendship for both parties. I want to surround myself with people who genuinely care about me and my life. I have those people now, but it took me a while to figure out that they were there and they are with me for the long(er) run. This will be one of my focuses for the upcoming year. 

[Very small—but well deserved— shoutout to my bffs who really care for me and put up with my nerdy, obsessive brain.]

So. If you're struggling along with me with a control complex/unnecessary people pleasing, you might as well join me and get this quote tattooed across your forehead (just kidding, that'd be weird). But I feel like I need to get this permanently engraved on me just to remind myself not to put other's wellbeing before my own and then cause my own self- destruction.

Okay. Now I'm just being dramatic, but you get the gist of it.

Thanks for reading!

{This idea just came to me and we'll try it out: maybe I'll add a song of the post (SOP hehe) where a song that randomly comes to mind I add to the end of the post. If you don't wanna listen to it, eh, oh well.}
 Another Day Gone- Parmalee

Cheers to 2015

Hello, reader!
I'm not exactly consistent with my posts or even with checking this blog— at least, I haven't been in the past. However, I'm trying to change that for the new year. (Eeep! It's already 2015!)

2014 was a year of lessons (aren't they all): I learned that communication is a huge foundation for friendships, somethings long time friends of the past stay in the past and that's okay. I learned about 18th century British society and the Congo genocide—thanks lit classes (but some seriously shit). I learned about myself. I learned about others and society and history. I learned that life is full of temporary people. I learned that you shouldn't give a shit about what people think of your interests and hobbies. Do what you love.

For 2015, my list of "to-do's" are slightly different. For starters, I have found a Reading Challenge from pop sugar  (I attached the list if you're interested in joining me and the rest of my neighborhood with this challenge) and I'll be updating you with my challenge accomplishments on this website. I tweaked the version of the list to fit my personality better and I went a little crazy in color coordinating my notebook with my list.
And here's my version:

If you have any suggestions or recommendations for me to read for my challenge, let me know! (I basically live for book recs.) (I've already checked on off the list: banned book= The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. It was a great read; dark but oh my gosh the literary techniques are in-cred-ible!)

I don't just want to expand my reading, but for 2015, I want to become a better version of me.
So here's my New Year's Goal list:

• finish the reading challenge
• read at least 90 books
• judge other people and myself less
• run a half marathon
• plan to attend a writing conference
• write more frequently

Thanks for reading!

Macy